Marriage advice I WISH I’d had

Gerald Rogers was divorced after 16 years of marriage. Recently he wrote an eye-opening, public confession on his blog… my heart goes out to him and I couldn’t agree with him more.

MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD by Gerald Rogers

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…

1) Never stop courting.
Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART.
Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again.
You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her.
Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER…
Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions:
It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8) Allow your woman to JUST BE.
When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and judgemental she will trust you and open her soul to you…

DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY…
Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY…
Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT.
Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY…
To carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…
And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE…
The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing… (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centred, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE…
You don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT.
If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER…
The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY.
Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE.
In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.”

If you’re inspired by Gerald’s words, please share this with a friend today.

You can find out more about Gerald on his blog at http://geraldrogers.com

 

Are you Breaking Up?

‘Is it over?’ is one of the hardest questions you’ll ever have to ask, when it comes to your relationship. But living in limbo, fearing the end is coming.

So, you’ve done all the right things and asked all the right questions… and gotten nowhere. You’ve tried to figure out what they’re thinking, you’ve been sensitive, you’ve been super caring, you’ve given them space, you’ve made more effort, and then less effort, just to see if it helped. Your worries are growing stronger and all you want is an answer, ‘Are we breaking up?’

If you haven’t already pulled out your Tarot cards and asked this question 20 times over, I’m surprised!! However, when we’re emotional it can be hard to make sense of what the cards are telling us. So here is a list of the ‘break up’ cards.

These are different from the ones we looked at a couple of days ago. These cards are not forecasting trouble, or uncertainty… they are forecasting endings.

If any of the cards in the list below come up when you’re asking about the future of your relationship, you can unfortunately assume that it’s over. These cards are telling you that the relationship’s going to end – it’s a question of ”when”, not ”if”. And as sad as that is, being unhappy with the information you receive ‘now’, does at least let you start healing and moving forward. Which is a lot better than another few months spent in anxious worry.

“It’s Over” – these cards are unequivocal:

• 3 Cups **rx – Hearts are broken, relationships are disconnected and new boundaries are drawn. Happiness has fled. The wedding is not going ahead. The engagement is over. One party, does not wish to be with the other.

• 3  Swords – A heart is pierced… and is bleeding alone. There is no sign of comfort anywhere. It is time to really acknowledge your wounds and your pain and to focus on healing what is broken – you… This really is one of the most disquieting and anguished cards in the tarot, and one should never overlook the seriousness of its message. Yes it is the swords suit – air and thought – but with the 3 swords, you can’t change your thinking, you can’t stop the hurt, you’ve already been wounded. There is no avoiding this pain.

• 5 Cups – Betrayal, endings, bitterness and pain. I always see a deception in this card… it is not a simple case of falling out of love, there is more to it. Someone has intentionally or unintentionally strayed from the promises they made to their partner… The one that is being left will have to deal not just with a break up, but with a partner who has let them down. Even if this is simply because that partner did not speak up when they should have, and dragged out a long-suffering situation.

• The Moon – nothing is as you thought it was. Card strongly implies deception. Sexual transgression and unfaithfulness. Be especially aware of online lovers, affairs,  and cheating that is facilitated via online forums or sites.

• 10 Swords – Can any card more clearly spell an ending than the 10 of Swords…. Nothing is going to survive from this situation. Hearts are broken, lives are broken and changed. The parties involved are going to have to start over, and it will not be easy for them. If this is your breakup card – you have lost more than the one you love, or your relationship – you’ve also lost your sense of who you are and what your future is. Your life’s meaning will need to be re-articulated. This card shows you that everything is different now. Everything will need to be rebuilt. It is a card of devastation and anyone who gets it will require great strength to combat what lies ahead.

• 10 Cups **rx – You were warned, people told you it seemed to good to be true, and the 10 Cups reversed confirms those suspicions. This card also suggests that you were somewhat naïve or foolish to not have foreseen this outcome in the beginning. Yes your heart is broken and this is a terrible thing, but with the 10 Cups as your ‘answer’ there seems to me to be a bit of a rebuke here – you should have been smarter about this.

• The Devil – It’s over and there are serious problems to be looked at. This card tells us that the relationship is abusive or unhealthy and your partner has emotional difficulties that are serious. I take this card very seriously as a warning about confronting the other person… a caution to guard your safety, and a red flag that this situation has the potential to get ugly. This is one instance where you really must be your most careful and measured self.

There are definitely more cards that I see very clearly as ‘breakup cards’, but they tend to rely on what flanks them to confirm this. The cards listed above however,  are unequivocal, it’s over. They’re not right for you, and it’s time for you to find the person that can love you the way you deserve to be loved.

**rx – means a card is appearing in the reversed position

Amber | http://www.intothesoul.com

Spell work: Magic & Love

If you believe in love and in the power of sending out a strong, positive intention in order to get what you want, read on, this is for you…

Here are three simple, effective spells that work. To cast these successfully you need to believe in what you are doing, your ability to make this happen, and your firm commitment to achieving your outcome.

Magic is the ability to manifest (make real) one’s will (desired outcome); to achieve a specific desired outcome. In this case the outcome desired, is the creation of passionate desire, or love in another.

These are the three spells I have for you to choose from:

• Bring New Love into my Life – Bring a real and true love into your life.
• Return my Ex to Me – Rekindle the love of your Ex and cause him/her to return to me
• Love and Passion – A spell with dual purpose, this is for causing passion and desire within a specific individual. It can be used for someone who you are in a relationship with, and it can also be used for someone whom you wish to be attracted to and desirous of you. It basically is a spell for lust.

And finally always, always remember, any spell you cast can only be as powerful as what you channel into it…

Bring Love into my Life

This spell is for those who wish to bring true love into their lives. It does not focus on a particular person, it is an invitation and request for the Universe to assist you in finding the one that is best for you, and causing them to fall in love with you and so forth.

You will need:

• 5 roses – either pick them or purchase them.

Travel a distance from your home.  The further you go, the wider your net will be cast.  Drop the first rose to the ground repeating;

“This is the path of love. My true love will find me.”

Continue to do this with each of the four remaining roses with the last dropped on your doorstep.

Bringing an Ex back

This spell, as the name states, is to rekindle the love of an Ex and return them to you.

You will need:

• Red ink/red pen
• Paper – parchment paper, or normal paper
• Red candle
• Fireproof bowl: steel or Pyrex bowl, etc.
• Matches or lighter.

Write on the paper with the red ink or pen the name of your ex three times. Then write:

“If there be still a spark in thy heart for one as me, Let it now inflame your heart as well. Forget the past, rekindle the flame, So our love, may be, again.”

Once you have written this, light the candle and place it in the fire-proof bowl. Hold your paper/parchment in the flame and allow it to burn. Whilst it is burning repeat these words:

Repeat this until the burning ceases, keeping your mind focused on the person you wish to return to you. Do not let yourself get burnt by the parchment, once it is lit place it in the fireproof bowl with the candle. At the end of this ritual you may wish to scatter the ashes in the wind and call upon the element of air to support you also in returning your love to you. Dear wind, remind Name-of-Ex of their love for me, I thank you for this dear wind. Rinse the bowl in water and as you do, call upon the element of water, in the same way you did the wind, to remind your ex of their love for you.

Witch Candle Spell 

This spell sparks a fiery attraction in the one you desire. The attraction will grow steadily into a passionate lust. Use this either to attract the attention of someone new or to re-fuel the passions within an existing relationship.

You will need:

• A Red or Pink Candle. If you can find one in the shape of a witch that is excellent. If you cannot, simply carve some shape into the candle so that it (no matter how remotely) resembles a witch. The point is that you are ‘seeing’ it as resembling a witch, and putting your mark upon it with this intention is all that is required.
• A permanent marker to write the name of the intended on the candle, or if you prefer a tool to inscribe the name of the ‘intended’ into the candle.
• A sheet of red foil paper (wrapping paper would be perfect). Or a sheet of red paper, placed on top of a piece of aluminium foil.
• A match or lighter
• Rose oil, Musk oil, or Patchouli Oil – whichever you prefer

On a Friday evening, place your (red or pink witch-shaped) candle on your red foil.  Look at the candle and see it as symbolising the figure of a witch. Write the name of the man or woman whose love you desire on the bottom of the candle. Anoint the candle with rose, musk or patchouli oil. Light the candle and repeat three times:

“Witch candle,  witch candle, Bright with fire, Summon the spirits To bring my desire.”

Allow the candle to burn down about 2.5 cm or one inch per night.  After it has burned all the way to the bottom (always be careful of fire with candles) wrap the foil tightly around it and place it under your bed for seven days and nights. After the 7 days and nights have passed, take the candle to a river, focus your thoughts on the one you desire and see their face in your mind’s eye. Then, with steady concentration, throw the witch candle into the river (don’t throw in the foil – put it in the bin) and repeat these words:

“Witch candle, witch candle Let your magic bind Witch candle, witch candle Let (name of intended) be mine. May it be.”

If you require something more complex, or a spell that is geared towards another situation, email me amber@intothesoul.com and  let me know.

Amber | http://www.intothesoul.com

How to Move On

If you’re hurting right now, not sure how you’re going to recover or what the future could hold for you, and feeling overall emotionally devastated, than this is for you. The help you need to start moving forward with your life is here. Over the last few days I’ve been encountering the same question over and over again from people facing traumatic events in their lives that have left them feeling broken and hurt; “how do I let go and get past feeling this way?” and, “how do I move on?”

Unfortunately, there’s no magic fix, and my heart really goes out to all of you feeling ‘stuck’ because I truly do know how awful this feels.  It’s an ongoing state of pain that really feels like it will never ever end or let go of your heart.

Whilst there is no quick-fix solution to getting over it, there are things you can do that will help you make progress. These include:

• Accepting your reality
• Taking responsibility
• Committing to healing

Accepting reality

The first thing you need to do is be very honest with yourself and really accept the reality of your circumstances. Yes, it is hard, but this is your life and it is real, and for the sake of your emotional and mental health you have to acknowledge the pain you are in and how difficult it is for you.

Stop escaping into daydreams and fantasies about the “what could have been?,”  and give up the “what if this isn’t real, hadn’t happened, will change drastically,” merry-go-round too, they just don’t help your cause. When you escape in daydreams the only thing that happens is that more problems are created. These include: loneliness, isolation, poor productivity, social and workplace performance issues, and so on. All of which just serve to compound your self-directed negative feelings. Accept that ignoring your reality will not work.

So on the positive side, whether you’ve just experienced the loss of a loved one, a personal betrayal, a heart-break, a financial crisis or other, do realise that you have survived. You are here and in the “now” and thinking about it.

The experience is past. It is the grief that is present. The fact that you are able to think about what has happened to you, means you have survived it and that you are stronger than that experience, for you are still here. Remember, that anything that you can ‘think’ about, is something you have survived. Take this knowledge and affirm yourself, for this is a great step forward in “letting-go”.

Taking Responsibility

Ask yourself what was your part in all this, how did you contribute? Unless it was a natural disaster, an “act of god”, or you were the victim of a crime, you will have had a hand in this course of events. Whether it happened because you ignored the warning signs, were blinded by love, chose to “believe” things would be okay, or handled things in a poor or reactionary way, you have played a part. Recovery requires that you ‘own’ it.

Owning it means seeing how you brought it into your life which is hard to do whilst you’re in great pain. However, doing so will put you back in control and the problem or other person is not. You seriously need to remember that you are the creator of your reality and as such you have to accept ownership, it is the golden rule of recovering

When you accept that you helped create ‘this’, then you feel safer in the knowledge that you will never again experience it. You’ve learnt a lesson. You are wiser and stronger than before. This thought process also empowers you to see that as you are in control of your life, and your choices do create your reality, you can build a reality going forward that is exactly as you wish it to be. In this process we have mastered our situation, we have disempowered the problem and reasserted ourselves..

So, now that you are responsible, empowered, clear thinking and accepting, please forgive yourself for being “here” in the first place. You really are a good person, you are not stupid, or naïve. You just happened to choose to see the best in a situation or person where it was unwarranted. And frankly in doing so you demonstrated what humanity is meant to be all about. In truth if the world was full of people like you, with big hearts like yours, it would be a better place. So please, no more self-flagellation necessary…  take the lesson and the value from the experience and move forward.

Commit to Healing

In the letting go of daydreams and “hopes” reality is faced. We have to plant our feet firmly on the ground and see what “is”. As empty and sad as that may feel, it is a big step forward in healing. Life gives you no choice but to move on. Remember this. For if there is no choice, and you must move forward it only makes sense to do this in the best possible way forward for your own personal happiness and well-being.

I think it’s a really important concept to wrap our minds around. There is no alternative, this is reality, and we are going to keep living in it. As your life is going to go on, so it really only makes sense to try to progress it in the best possible way you can for your own sakes.

Small things help.

Work at seeing yourself in a happier future, and know that the choices you now make are what will lead you there. Remind yourself that you are going to be pro-active in chosing your life, you are not going to leave it to ‘fate’ and you are not going to hide in your daydreams any  longer. You have survived everything the universe has thrown at you, and you’re still here, in one piece, you will make it. Now we come to forgiveness and no, I’m not going to get all holier than thou here. I do not see forgiveness as being about the absolution of the other person at all, its got nothing to do with relieving blame or guilt.

Forgiveness in my mind is really about deciding that you will let go of your anger. The only reason you do this is because it helps you heal, and it is personal empowering. Forgiveness in this light then allows you to see that you are stronger than the difficulties you have faced and will be stronger than the ones to come. Forgiveness enables you to move on with your life, and to stop spending every day with the memory of the person that has hurt you. Next you need to try to start seeing a future for yourself again. Find some aspects of life that bring joy. Even if they are tiny little things. Things like walking your dog, or noticing the change of the season, or the feeling of the sun on your back. Start small if you need to… Look for opportunities to bring yourself some happiness, planning a trip, seeing a friend. If all of that is not working, go and be of service to another. Help others and be a volunteer. It will give you a sense of purpose and help rebuild your self-esteem

Also, do go back in time to when you were happier and remember what you used to do. Force yourself to try those things again, not just once, but a few times, and see how you begin to reconnect with the old you. Feeling better, recovering, isn’t a magical thing, it’s a work in process and something you have to actively commit to in order to heal.

Lastly, remember, healing is a verb. Letting-go is a verb, forgiveness is a verb. They don’t just happen, you have to make them happen… xx

Amber | www.intothesoul.com

The Magician

In the recesses of my mind
the shadowed corners of my heart
I knew you always.
Your breath between my words
My mind between your hands.
There can be no other way.

Pray the dance will linger,
Indulge the illusion of a choice,
The gritty eyes,
Full of golden dust … your gift
To have longer before the end
Is every lovers’ wish
The magician is a wolf.If you want to get to know the Magician better,  ask yourself these questions:

• Have you met The Magician before …?
  (you have, so many times!! he may be your next door neighbour, the car salesman, the woman who desperately want to get to know)
• How did he/she initially greet you? and what were your first impressions?
• What does he/she do for work, or study?
• How did he/she affect or influence you? (or try to)
• What do other people think of him/her?
• What was your emotional response to him/her?
• Is there a general consensus of opinion about this person? If so, what do the majority of people think about them?
• What else do you want to know, or find out about them?

Amber | www.intothesoul.com

The love you want… 3 steps to getting it, that absolutely, 100%, work!

 

Three steps to getting the love you want now!! That absolutely, 100% work!

Feeling the love

Admit it. How much are you judging them? How much do you want them to be different from the way they are?

If you want to feel loved, you have to LOVE.

And you have to love honestly, humbly, and fully (even when they don’t do something the way you would).

There are so many different things you could find to love about the people that cross your path each day, that it’s actually quite mind-blowing. Really, it is. The truth is, that every single one of them has many great qualities, lots of loveable quirks a beating heart and a sense of humour – in other words a lot to love.

But if you aren’t feeling ”the love”,  and you aren’t feeling loved either, it’s got a hell of a lot to do with the fact that you’re not looking for what you can love about others. (you’re seeing the ”other stuff” – that doesn’t help you!!)

Don’t use this as a reason to think you’re a failure. If you blame yourself or beat yourself up for your shortcomings, that’s not finding things to love about others. Just find things to love about others. That’s it.

Being the Love

Yes of course you’ve heard this before. I know you have. I know you know, in theory at least anyway that deep down that self-love trumps “getting the love” and approval of someone else by far… in theory and self-help psychology anyway. But there are moments when you not only forget this, but also find it to feel rather hollow and bleak, and you just can’t sell it to yourself.

In those moments, remember this, and do this, it will save your heart:

• Make a list of what you love about others.
• Why are they amazing?
• Why do you admire them?
• Write the love letter of your life to someone you think is just totally awesome.
• Then … admit this: You cannot recognize something you don’t have.
• Everyone in your world is a reflection of you. Sit quietly until you can admit that YOU are just as amazing. Don’t be cavalier about it. Be real. Find examples and prove it to yourself. Sit until you feel the spark of willingness to admit that you have the qualities you love and admire in others. So of course you would love yourself.

This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. How many people do you love who aren’t always living as the highest version of themselves? If you can love them, you can love you. So stop making such a big deal about their and  your supposed mistakes or shortcomings, let it go, it doesn’t help you. It makes you miserable. Really, just stop.

Love being Loved (reciprocating)

Yes, if you want someone to love you, you have to let them. Love them, love yourself enough to know you are worthy, and then be completely vulnerable. Without those things, they can love you more than anything on earth and you won’t feel it. Or trust it.

Also, let them love you in unconscious ways. You know how poorly you sometimes treat the people you love the most? It’s because deep down you trust them enough to keep loving you, even at your worst. Sometimes we show how much we love someone by trusting that they will love us even at our worst. I’m not advocating that this is ideal, but it definitely happens. And if you can’t help doing this, don’t expect the people you love to be able to help it either. Let them love you by not being perfect or by not always knowing the right thing to do or say. Because this is their vulnerability talking, this is them showing you their dark side and asking you to love them anyway.

If you tap into your limitless capacity to love others unconditionally; if you love yourself because you are a real, authentic, perfectly imperfect  human being with a heart of gold; and if you allow yourself to be loved by people however they know how to love you … then you will feel love coming at you from every direction … it’s really truly true. I thank Cori Martinez, so much for opening my eyes to this way of viewing love…

Amber | www.intothesoul.com

A Love like the Sun’s

Very few things are as beautiful as the words of Hafiz, a mid 14th Century poet. He paints in your mind’s eye, pictures with his words, brings your heart to feel, and inspire desires within the space of one sentence…

Even

After

All this time

The Sun never says

To the Earth

“You owe me.”

Look

what happens

with a love like that.

It lights

The whole sky.

– Hafiz

Amber | www.intothesoul.com

Distance

Seek to understand, rather than to be understood…  Listen when spoken to. Abandon your ideals to hear those of another. Listen with your heart and mind to what is being shared and understand the person speaking. Empathy, true empathy to spirit, one another and the universe…

 

Amber | http://www.intothesoul.com

Broken-hearted? Should I wait?

“Should I wait … will he/she return??”

This is one of the most heart breaking questions anyone ever asks… poignant, earnest, and sadly hopeful. It doesn’t sound like a biggie does it? But the depth of meaning behind this simple question is incredible.

Within it lie so many feelings, hopes, and fears… “should I wait?” can be understood as:

• Is there any hope left? Can I please, please hold on to my hopes and dreams?
• Can I still believe that there is a chance for my love to work out?
• Does my heart need to break? Do I really have to open myself to this suffering?
• Are they just having a ”moment” and will change their minds?
• Must I begin grieving for this?
• Do I have to accept this as a reality?
• Have they really gone and left me? Am I really alone?
• I am scared I will not be able to handle the pain I am going to feel?
• I do not know how to live without them?
• Will I be alone forever?
• Will love ever return to my life…?

Many people in their attempt to avoid the above scenario, hold on firmly to the notion that “yes he/she will return to you.”  The problem with this, even if it is in fact true, is that by refusing to enter into the aftermath of a relationship breakdown, means that you don’t grow or evolve. Yes you may bypass a lot of the pain, and probably replace it with a great deal of anxiety instead, but you also miss the chance to re-evaluate yourself, your partner, your needs and expectations for the future. Essentially, you put yourself into limbo.

When you put yourself “on-hold” waiting for someone to return to you, your life path changes course. You’ve put on blinders and are refusing to live within the reality of your circumstances. Instead, you are living within your projected dreams and imagination. As you continue on this path, you will develop an increasingly intense need for the one you are focused on to return to you.  Your life becomes sad, as the one thing you are always thinking about is isolating you from developing other relationships and you are spending more time alone. The anxiety builds and builds.

A frequent result of this anxiety is self sabotaging behaviour. Taking risks,  and doing things you normally wouldn’t do, to attract the attention of the object of your love. You want to hurry them back to you and all seems reasonable in the pursuit of this objective. Essentially, you are trying to force and control love, something you are unable to do, and it’s tearing your soul apart. You are in this behaviour amplifying all the hurt, pain and suffering you were initially trying to avoid.

So listen to this advice, it’s some of the best I have; “it’s never okay to put your life on hold for anyone. It’s never okay to give yourself permission to stop living your life. It’s never okay to allow yourself to ignore the reality of your circumstances and focus on a someday in the future scenario at the expense of all else.”

When your choice is to ‘put yourself on hold and wait’ you are essentially giving up the only control over anything, or anyone that you ever had, yourself. You have made yourself dependent on the future choices of another.  In so doing you have put you into a state of anxiety; truly there is nothing more disempowering than putting yourself into a position where your happiness, sense of self, and reality depend on the choices made by someone you have no control over. It’s not healthy, it damages your psyche, heart, mind and spirit.
The answer, then, is ‘No’. It’s not okay to wait, and no – you shouldn’t wait.  Any lover or soul mate who actually is by measure of their love and positive intent towards you, worthy o being waited for, will in fact not need you to do so. I’m not trying to be ambiguous here – it’s just that a true soulmate, one that really is intended for us, will catch up with us no matter what. They will be able to scale your walls, and get through your layers of self-protection – that is what soulmates are all about. They are meant for you, and have a role to play in your life, and their connection to you along with universal design will ensure this happens as it is supposed to. And if it does not happen, serious question has to be given to whether this person was in fact a soulmate at all.

Oh and for those of you who want to ask, “And what if I’ve moved on when they come back, and it wrecks everything?” The answer is the same as above 🙂 .

To find love again, with a new person, is not a compromise in any way at all. What it means is that the new person has offered you something beyond that which you were previously offered. They had to surpass the love of your past, they had to prove themselves more than this person whom you longed for. And along with that, they also had to bring you healing and new hope. It’s the only reason that they were able to persuade you to open your heart again.

Amber | www.intothesoul.com

Soulmate Relationships, a mixed blessing …

Soulmates seem to embody the ideal state of love, and just about everyone these days is on the hunt for theirs. They want to connect with their soulmate and in this relationship find a magical intense sense of being in-love, and happy. Ironically though, soul mate relationships are the most complicated, haunting and difficult ones we will ever enter into.  These  relationships are not the idyllic ‘happy’ pairing of two linked souls… Rather they are the turbulent and passionate meeting of two individuals with great unresolved history (karma) between them and feelings that run so deep that the way they feel about each other, barely make sense, even to themselves.

True soul mates enter our lives with an incredible attraction and chemistry. This person is someone we are irresistibly drawn towards, we cannot turn ourselves away, we cannot push them out of our hearts or our minds. They are so familiar to us, they feel so connected, and so powerfully a part of us, that we cannot cut them off. The connection resonates within our soul to the degree that our very happiness seems dependent upon them.

This person may not necessarily be our ”type” – frequently we wonder what it is about them that we fell for in the first place. They may not meet our usual requirements of a partner, or our typical physical preferences,  they may not share our value system. As strange as it sounds though, this does makes sense, as the role of the soul mate is to bring to us the energy that we need to experience in order to grow. Their entrance into our lives is not random, it’s for a reason, and we are going to learn from them.

Demanding, challenging, draining, painful, intense, haunting, addictive and passionate are all used to describe the nature of a soulmate relationship. Great emotional struggle will invariably be experienced. The couples that ‘make it’ together through this turbulence and last, have without exception,  been able to reform themselves in order for the relationship to survive.

Soulmate relationships require a  couple to evolve together or be divided. All soul mate relationships are extreme in that they force growth and change in both partners, you cannot remain as you were prior to the relationship. If you do it will fail, and with great pain you shall part ways.

Sometimes the power of the attraction that exists between soulmates leads to a relationship that is so full of drama and intensity and passion that it is inconceivable to either that they shall ever part ways. Other times, no matter how powerful the attraction, they find that they cannot make the relationship work, circumstances are against them, and the toll the relationship takes is too great for them.

Remember this; soul mate relationships come into our lives to bring us learning.  In order to live a deep, soulful life, and have rewarding relationships we have to make ourselves vulnerable. We need to take risks, expose ourselves emotionally and connect with an openness that we normally wouldn’t show….  Our soulmates cross our paths to help us do exactly that.

Amber | www.intothesoul.com