Gerald Rogers was divorced after 16 years of marriage. Recently he wrote an eye-opening, public confession on his blog… my heart goes out to him and I couldn’t agree with him more.
MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD by Gerald Rogers
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…
1) Never stop courting.
Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART.
Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again.
You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.
4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her.
Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to have this woman as your wife.
5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER…
Your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.
6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions:
It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.
7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.
8) Allow your woman to JUST BE.
When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and judgemental she will trust you and open her soul to you…
DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.
9) BE SILLY…
Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY…
Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.
11) BE PRESENT.
Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY…
To carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.
13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…
And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
14) GIVE HER SPACE…
The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing… (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centred, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)
15) BE VULNERABLE…
You don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT.
If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER…
The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY.
Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.
19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE.
In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.
Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.
But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.
If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.
The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.
If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.
MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.”
If you’re inspired by Gerald’s words, please share this with a friend today.
You can find out more about Gerald on his blog at http://geraldrogers.com
You’ve got your life together. You’re smart, independent, attractive and fun… You have a good sense of humour and you aren’t hard up for a date. Yet there’s a habit of yours that keeps on getting you in trouble. You love the bad boys.
It makes no sense to you really … but you can’t help it. When you try to explain it you realise it’s crazy… but its out of your control… There’s something that instinctively draws you to a certain kind of guy… that even you know, (because you’ve been here before) is going to hurt you.
You have a 6th sense that can detect the presence of a bad boy before you’ve even laid eyes on him – you’d know him anywhere. He’s got an edge and an energy that draws you like a magnet to him. He’s electric, he’s rebellious, he’s half-loner, half Mr Popularity… He has his own take on the world, and he pushes the envelope – right to the very edge of the boundaries. He’s always looking for something, and there’s an undefinable restless, unsatisfied quality to him.
Your friends don’t love. They like him, and he’s fun, they’d just prefer he left you alone. They tell you that your new “great guy” is arrogant, or brash, a bit of a ‘kid’ and seems (at least) slightly unappreciative. They keep asking you if he’s called, is he reliable?
Of course you don’t see it that way. You’re take is so different. You view him as sooo masculine, edgy, sexy exciting, unconventional — and all in a good way. He’s such a turn-on. There’s no comparison between him and other guys. He has “IT”.
Yes, those other guys are nice, but they’re, so boring. You just don’t ‘feel attracted’. Why even be with a guy if the adrenaline isn’t pumping? You want chemistry, you want to feel, you want to be under his spell… if you’re not, it’s just a waste of your time.
So what is the draw of the bad boy?
What makes them so attractive, and even addictive, to some women?
- When you’re with this guy life is never dull. You feel alive and you’re on edge.
- You don’t know what to expect from him. Plans always change, nothing can be taken for granted, and you really don’t know what he’s thinking or feeling. He makes you laugh.
- He keeps you interested. He’s an instant cure for the ho-hum of everyday life.
No run-of-the-mill guy
- The man is exciting. He’s an individual, and he keeps you guessing. The thought of him melts you.
- He has a unique way of doing things. His unconventionality turns you on, and perversely so does his unreliability. It feels masculine. It feels powerful.
- He feels like a real guy should be. Not wimpy – like so many other guys. True, his adventures can frighten you. But they also thrill you. And isn’t that what life is all about? Exciting experiences you’ll remember forever!
The bad boy is an enticing mix
- He’s so confident, and so strong-minded… You think that he knows what he wants, and he’s definitely got a one track mind… it’s all about him.
- He’s independent… He doesn’t care what others think.
- He’s a sweet talker, so charming… He knows how to get what he wants.
- He’s mysterious… you still can’t figure him out.
To sum it all up, the “bad boy” is a thrill and he makes you feel alive and young and turned on. And the more blah your own life is, the more alluring he seems.
So what’s the problem then? Unfortunately, there’s more than one:
What happens when you grow up but the bad boy doesn’t?
His enthusiasm for risk and adventure hasn’t diminished. His ability to be reliable, and accountable is just where it always was… nowhere. He’s still into risky stuff and still pushing the boundaries, and you’re long past that stage.
What used to seem enticing now seems half-baked, frustrating, and at times plainly ridiculous. His antics no longer seem unfamiliar and exciting. Rather, they have become all too familiar and dim-witted.
What happens when the bad boy’s pranks begin to feel more menacing than masculine?
His actions have put you in harm’s way more than once. And these days you’d really prefer to feel safe with him, maybe even protected by him. You’ve got a real hankering for your bad boy to be reliable … and it seems unlikely to ever happen.
What happens when your bad boy turns into a bad guy?
When his shrugging off what others think becomes he doesn’t care what you think? When his lack of respect for rules becomes blowing off rules you consider essential to your relationship? When his unconventional behaviour that used to excite you becomes behaviour that creates anxiety for you?
Though bad boy antics may be attractive when “boys” are entering adulthood, beware of what happens when bad boys reach maturity and full adulthood.
The point is this – keep your eyes open, and don’t kid yourself. When you play with bad boys, you know what you’re getting yourself in for… don’t allow yourself any illusions here. It’s a time limited relationship – even most bad girls, will emotionally outgrow the bad boy. It’s just a matter of time.
Food for thought: Are you drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable? If you are, a relationship with a bad boy is something you are likely to find yourself drawn towards…
Amber | www.intothesoul.com
If you’re hurting right now, not sure how you’re going to recover or what the future could hold for you, and feeling overall emotionally devastated, than this is for you. The help you need to start moving forward with your life is here. Over the last few days I’ve been encountering the same question over and over again from people facing traumatic events in their lives that have left them feeling broken and hurt; “how do I let go and get past feeling this way?” and, “how do I move on?”
Unfortunately, there’s no magic fix, and my heart really goes out to all of you feeling ‘stuck’ because I truly do know how awful this feels. It’s an ongoing state of pain that really feels like it will never ever end or let go of your heart.
Whilst there is no quick-fix solution to getting over it, there are things you can do that will help you make progress. These include:
- Accepting your reality
- Taking responsibility
- Committing to healing
The first thing you need to do is be very honest with yourself and really accept the reality of your circumstances. Yes, it is hard, but this is your life and it is real, and for the sake of your emotional and mental health you have to acknowledge the pain you are in and how difficult it is for you.
Stop escaping into daydreams and fantasies about the “what could have been?,” and give up the “what if this isn’t real, hadn’t happened, will change drastically,” merry-go-round too, they just don’t help your cause. When you escape in daydreams the only thing that happens is that more problems are created. These include: loneliness, isolation, poor productivity, social and workplace performance issues, and so on. All of which just serve to compound your self-directed negative feelings. Accept that ignoring your reality will not work.
So on the positive side, whether you’ve just experienced the loss of a loved one, a personal betrayal, a heart-break, a financial crisis or other, do realise that you have survived. You are here and in the “now” and thinking about it.
The experience is past. It is the grief that is present. The fact that you are able to think about what has happened to you, means you have survived it and that you are stronger than that experience, for you are still here. Remember, that anything that you can ‘think’ about, is something you have survived. Take this knowledge and affirm yourself, for this is a great step forward in “letting-go”.
Ask yourself what was your part in all this, how did you contribute? Unless it was a natural disaster, an “act of god”, or you were the victim of a crime, you will have had a hand in this course of events. Whether it happened because you ignored the warning signs, were blinded by love, chose to “believe” things would be okay, or handled things in a poor or reactionary way, you have played a part. Recovery requires that you ‘own’ it.
Owning it means seeing how you brought it into your life which is hard to do whilst you’re in great pain. However, doing so will put you back in control and the problem or other person is not. You seriously need to remember that you are the creator of your reality and as such you have to accept ownership, it is the golden rule of recovering
When you accept that you helped create ‘this’, then you feel safer in the knowledge that you will never again experience it. You’ve learnt a lesson. You are wiser and stronger than before. This thought process also empowers you to see that as you are in control of your life, and your choices do create your reality, you can build a reality going forward that is exactly as you wish it to be. In this process we have mastered our situation, we have disempowered the problem and reasserted ourselves..
So, now that you are responsible, empowered, clear thinking and accepting, please forgive yourself for being “here” in the first place. You really are a good person, you are not stupid, or naïve. You just happened to choose to see the best in a situation or person where it was unwarranted. And frankly in doing so you demonstrated what humanity is meant to be all about. In truth if the world was full of people like you, with big hearts like yours, it would be a better place. So please, no more self-flagellation necessary… take the lesson and the value from the experience and move forward.
Commit to Healing
In the letting go of daydreams and “hopes” reality is faced. We have to plant our feet firmly on the ground and see what “is”. As empty and sad as that may feel, it is a big step forward in healing. Life gives you no choice but to move on. Remember this. For if there is no choice, and you must move forward it only makes sense to do this in the best possible way forward for your own personal happiness and well-being.
I think it’s a really important concept to wrap our minds around. There is no alternative, this is reality, and we are going to keep living in it. As your life is going to go on, so it really only makes sense to try to progress it in the best possible way you can for your own sakes.
Small things help.
Work at seeing yourself in a happier future, and know that the choices you now make are what will lead you there. Remind yourself that you are going to be pro-active in chosing your life, you are not going to leave it to ‘fate’ and you are not going to hide in your daydreams any longer. You have survived everything the universe has thrown at you, and you’re still here, in one piece, you will make it. Now we come to forgiveness and no, I’m not going to get all holier than thou here. I do not see forgiveness as being about the absolution of the other person at all, its got nothing to do with relieving blame or guilt.
Forgiveness in my mind is really about deciding that you will let go of your anger. The only reason you do this is because it helps you heal, and it is personal empowering. Forgiveness in this light then allows you to see that you are stronger than the difficulties you have faced and will be stronger than the ones to come. Forgiveness enables you to move on with your life, and to stop spending every day with the memory of the person that has hurt you. Next you need to try to start seeing a future for yourself again. Find some aspects of life that bring joy. Even if they are tiny little things. Things like walking your dog, or noticing the change of the season, or the feeling of the sun on your back. Start small if you need to… Look for opportunities to bring yourself some happiness, planning a trip, seeing a friend. If all of that is not working, go and be of service to another. Help others and be a volunteer. It will give you a sense of purpose and help rebuild your self-esteem
Also, do go back in time to when you were happier and remember what you used to do. Force yourself to try those things again, not just once, but a few times, and see how you begin to reconnect with the old you. Feeling better, recovering, isn’t a magical thing, it’s a work in process and something you have to actively commit to in order to heal.
Lastly, remember, healing is a verb. Letting-go is a verb, forgiveness is a verb. They don’t just happen, you have to make them happen… xx
Amber | www.intothesoul.com
Three steps to getting the love you want now!! That absolutely, 100% work!
Feeling the love
Admit it. How much are you judging them? How much do you want them to be different from the way they are?
If you want to feel loved, you have to LOVE.
And you have to love honestly, humbly, and fully (even when they don’t do something the way you would).
There are so many different things you could find to love about the people that cross your path each day, that it’s actually quite mind-blowing. Really, it is. The truth is, that every single one of them has many great qualities, lots of loveable quirks a beating heart and a sense of humour – in other words a lot to love.
But if you aren’t feeling ”the love”, and you aren’t feeling loved either, it’s got a hell of a lot to do with the fact that you’re not looking for what you can love about others. (you’re seeing the ”other stuff” – that doesn’t help you!!)
Don’t use this as a reason to think you’re a failure. If you blame yourself or beat yourself up for your shortcomings, that’s not finding things to love about others. Just find things to love about others. That’s it.
Being the Love
Yes of course you’ve heard this before. I know you have. I know you know, in theory at least anyway that deep down that self-love trumps “getting the love” and approval of someone else by far… in theory and self-help psychology anyway. But there are moments when you not only forget this, but also find it to feel rather hollow and bleak, and you just can’t sell it to yourself.
In those moments, remember this, and do this, it will save your heart:
- Make a list of what you love about others.
- Why are they amazing?
- Why do you admire them?
- Write the love letter of your life to someone you think is just totally awesome.
- Then … admit this: You cannot recognize something you don’t have.
- Everyone in your world is a reflection of you. Sit quietly until you can admit that YOU are just as amazing. Don’t be cavalier about it. Be real. Find examples and prove it to yourself. Sit until you feel the spark of willingness to admit that you have the qualities you love and admire in others. So of course you would love yourself.
This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. How many people do you love who aren’t always living as the highest version of themselves? If you can love them, you can love you. So stop making such a big deal about their and your supposed mistakes or shortcomings, let it go, it doesn’t help you. It makes you miserable. Really, just stop.
Love being Loved (reciprocating)
Yes, if you want someone to love you, you have to let them. Love them, love yourself enough to know you are worthy, and then be completely vulnerable. Without those things, they can love you more than anything on earth and you won’t feel it. Or trust it.
Also, let them love you in unconscious ways. You know how poorly you sometimes treat the people you love the most? It’s because deep down you trust them enough to keep loving you, even at your worst. Sometimes we show how much we love someone by trusting that they will love us even at our worst. I’m not advocating that this is ideal, but it definitely happens. And if you can’t help doing this, don’t expect the people you love to be able to help it either. Let them love you by not being perfect or by not always knowing the right thing to do or say. Because this is their vulnerability talking, this is them showing you their dark side and asking you to love them anyway.
If you tap into your limitless capacity to love others unconditionally; if you love yourself because you are a real, authentic, perfectly imperfect human being with a heart of gold; and if you allow yourself to be loved by people however they know how to love you … then you will feel love coming at you from every direction … it’s really truly true. I thank Cori Martinez, so much for opening my eyes to this way of viewing love…
Amber | www.intothesoul.com
“Should I wait … will he/she return??”
This is one of the most heart breaking questions anyone ever asks… poignant, earnest, and sadly hopeful. It doesn’t sound like a biggie does it? But the depth of meaning behind this simple question is incredible.
Within it lie so many feelings, hopes, and fears… “should I wait?” can be understood as:
- Is there any hope left? Can I please, please hold on to my hopes and dreams?
- Can I still believe that there is a chance for my love to work out?
- Does my heart need to break? Do I really have to open myself to this suffering?
- Are they just having a ”moment” and will change their minds?
- Must I begin grieving for this?
- Do I have to accept this as a reality?
- Have they really gone and left me? Am I really alone?
- I am scared I will not be able to handle the pain I am going to feel?
- I do not know how to live without them?
- Will I be alone forever?
- Will love ever return to my life…?
Many people in their attempt to avoid the above scenario, hold on firmly to the notion that “yes he/she will return to you.” The problem with this, even if it is in fact true, is that by refusing to enter into the aftermath of a relationship breakdown, means that you don’t grow or evolve. Yes you may bypass a lot of the pain, and probably replace it with a great deal of anxiety instead, but you also miss the chance to re-evaluate yourself, your partner, your needs and expectations for the future. Essentially, you put yourself into limbo.
When you put yourself “on-hold” waiting for someone to return to you, your life path changes course. You’ve put on blinders and are refusing to live within the reality of your circumstances. Instead, you are living within your projected dreams and imagination. As you continue on this path, you will develop an increasingly intense need for the one you are focused on to return to you. Your life becomes sad, as the one thing you are always thinking about is isolating you from developing other relationships and you are spending more time alone. The anxiety builds and builds.
A frequent result of this anxiety is self sabotaging behaviour. Taking risks, and doing things you normally wouldn’t do, to attract the attention of the object of your love. You want to hurry them back to you and all seems reasonable in the pursuit of this objective. Essentially, you are trying to force and control love, something you are unable to do, and it’s tearing your soul apart. You are in this behaviour amplifying all the hurt, pain and suffering you were initially trying to avoid.
So listen to this advice, it’s some of the best I have; “it’s never okay to put your life on hold for anyone. It’s never okay to give yourself permission to stop living your life. It’s never okay to allow yourself to ignore the reality of your circumstances and focus on a someday in the future scenario at the expense of all else.”
When your choice is to ‘put yourself on hold and wait’ you are essentially giving up the only control over anything, or anyone that you ever had, yourself. You have made yourself dependent on the future choices of another. In so doing you have put you into a state of anxiety; truly there is nothing more disempowering than putting yourself into a position where your happiness, sense of self, and reality depend on the choices made by someone you have no control over. It’s not healthy, it damages your psyche, heart, mind and spirit.
The answer, then, is ‘No’. It’s not okay to wait, and no – you shouldn’t wait. Any lover or soul mate who actually is by measure of their love and positive intent towards you, worthy o being waited for, will in fact not need you to do so. I’m not trying to be ambiguous here – it’s just that a true soulmate, one that really is intended for us, will catch up with us no matter what. They will be able to scale your walls, and get through your layers of self-protection – that is what soulmates are all about. They are meant for you, and have a role to play in your life, and their connection to you along with universal design will ensure this happens as it is supposed to. And if it does not happen, serious question has to be given to whether this person was in fact a soulmate at all.
Oh and for those of you who want to ask, “And what if I’ve moved on when they come back, and it wrecks everything?” The answer is the same as above 🙂 .
To find love again, with a new person, is not a compromise in any way at all. What it means is that the new person has offered you something beyond that which you were previously offered. They had to surpass the love of your past, they had to prove themselves more than this person whom you longed for. And along with that, they also had to bring you healing and new hope. It’s the only reason that they were able to persuade you to open your heart again.
Amber | www.intothesoul.com
Soulmates seem to embody the ideal state of love, and just about everyone these days is on the hunt for theirs. They want to connect with their soulmate and in this relationship find a magical intense sense of being in-love, and happy. Ironically though, soul mate relationships are the most complicated, haunting and difficult ones we will ever enter into. These relationships are not the idyllic ‘happy’ pairing of two linked souls… Rather they are the turbulent and passionate meeting of two individuals with great unresolved history (karma) between them and feelings that run so deep that the way they feel about each other, barely make sense, even to themselves.
True soul mates enter our lives with an incredible attraction and chemistry. This person is someone we are irresistibly drawn towards, we cannot turn ourselves away, we cannot push them out of our hearts or our minds. They are so familiar to us, they feel so connected, and so powerfully a part of us, that we cannot cut them off. The connection resonates within our soul to the degree that our very happiness seems dependent upon them.
This person may not necessarily be our ”type” – frequently we wonder what it is about them that we fell for in the first place. They may not meet our usual requirements of a partner, or our typical physical preferences, they may not share our value system. As strange as it sounds though, this does makes sense, as the role of the soul mate is to bring to us the energy that we need to experience in order to grow. Their entrance into our lives is not random, it’s for a reason, and we are going to learn from them.
Demanding, challenging, draining, painful, intense, haunting, addictive and passionate are all used to describe the nature of a soulmate relationship. Great emotional struggle will invariably be experienced. The couples that ‘make it’ together through this turbulence and last, have without exception, been able to reform themselves in order for the relationship to survive.
Soulmate relationships require a couple to evolve together or be divided. All soul mate relationships are extreme in that they force growth and change in both partners, you cannot remain as you were prior to the relationship. If you do it will fail, and with great pain you shall part ways.
Sometimes the power of the attraction that exists between soulmates leads to a relationship that is so full of drama and intensity and passion that it is inconceivable to either that they shall ever part ways. Other times, no matter how powerful the attraction, they find that they cannot make the relationship work, circumstances are against them, and the toll the relationship takes is too great for them.
Remember this; soul mate relationships come into our lives to bring us learning. In order to live a deep, soulful life, and have rewarding relationships we have to make ourselves vulnerable. We need to take risks, expose ourselves emotionally and connect with an openness that we normally wouldn’t show…. Our soulmates cross our paths to help us do exactly that.
Amber | www.intothesoul.com
It’s hard to use the term “soulmate”, or think about finding your soulmate, without feeling a bit like you’ve suddenly swallowed a whole bunch of advertising cock and bull produced to eke your dollars away from you by the world of advertising. But seriously, not only do soul mates exist; all of us have them… and to make it slightly more confusing, we have more than one out there.. And to quote “Annie” (kind of), “A life without soul mates is like a night without stars” — a very dark night indeed. But don’t think because you are single that you’ve been left out of the soul mate phenomenon. It’s limiting to think that merging with your other half must be romantic in nature. Soul mates can be lovers, friends, family, members or even pets. While the universe might help us out in our quest to find them, it’s up to us to make sure we connect with them. Soul mate relationships seem so meant to be that it’s hard to imagine ever not knowing that person once you do. But just to be safe, below are some tips for making sure your soul mates in life don’t pass you by.
1. Instant recognition. Ami met her soul mate best friend 16 years ago on the first week of college when she made a snarky joke and her friend was the only person who laughed. One thing that’s true of all soul mates, whether they’re romantic or platonic, is that they will understand you better than anyone else. This feeling of mutual understanding often occurs almost instantly, and it only gets deeper and truer as you get to know each other better. What starts as a shared laugh at a snarky joke could lead to a lifetime of mutual laughter. Pay attention to those little moments of instant connection with people–you never know where they might take you!
2. Coincidences surround you. When you’re spending time with your soul mate, you’ll notice that the world is like a highway just for you. There will be road signs guiding you on your route. There will be coincidences everywhere. If you say, “I love so-and-so song!” You’ll be at a coffee shop one hour later and that song — as obscure as it may be — will be playing. If you’re talking about your mutual love of “90210,” you’ll sit down to dinner at a restaurant and notice that the dude sitting next to you is wearing a “90210″ sweatshirt. If you’re playing Trivial Pursuit, you’ll pull out the same card two times in a row. These are all real-life examples, by the way. But you get the point: the universe is sending you little affirmations that the two of you are meant to be playing Trivial Pursuit together for the rest of eternity. Don’t ignore the road signs.
3. A gut instinct. Many couples who have been married for decades describe a sense of knowing their partner was “the one” the moment they met, but this feeling can take other forms as well. You might just feel a little wave of intensity, or your heart might beat a little faster when you meet your future soul mate pet at a shelter. Don’t ignore those gut feelings.
4. A feeling of urgency or magnetism. When you’re in the vicinity of a soul mate, you will probably feel drawn to them or pulled toward them. You might feel a sense of urgency, like “I must talk to that person RIGHT NOW.” It’s easy to toss these feelings aside when they come out of nowhere or don’t seem to make sense, but do us a favor, OK? Even if it goes against all logic, act on those instincts. When Winona’s friend saw her soul mate walking into an art gallery, she found herself instantly transfixed on him. Though she’s usually extremely shy, she followed him in and eventually asked him out. In general, when the universe nudges you down a path, follow it.
5. You’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, to be in the right place at the right time. Soul mate meetings often start with some kind of hiccup in your daily routine, or something going wrong, or your best laid plans falling apart. When you look back though, you’ll realize all that perceived inconvenience was totally meant to be. Winona was so upset when she didn’t get into a writing class she wanted, but when she begrudgingly signed up for a different class, she ended up sitting by the person who would become her soul mate BFF. A friend of Ami’s met her current boyfriend when her usual bus stop was closed and she was forced to get on at a different station. The fact is, sometimes we have to take a convoluted, slightly annoying path to meet the people we’re supposed to meet. But it’s always worth it in the end.
6. Premonition. Often times, you’ll have a premonition of meeting your soul mate before you do in the form of a dream or a déjà vu type of sensation. A friend of Winona’s actually wrote a journal entry describing her ideal guy–physical and personality traits–and ended up meeting him two days later. And Ami knows someone who had a dream about her future boyfriend years before they met — describing him by name, appearance and the circumstances of their meeting. If you’re not into psychic mumbo jumbo, that’s fine, but you may find yourself having some kind feeling like you’ve known this person forever.
With thanks for inspiring me going to The Frisky xx
Amber | www.intothesoul.com
Is it time you got loved up?
Research says the more you love, and the more love you feel, the happier you will be… so let’s get busy:
- Engage in a love and gratitude meditation.
- Find a comfortable and quiet space.
- Calm your mind
- Wish yourself and others happiness and peace.
- Picture moments of happiness in your life.
- Feel the strong emotions that bond you to the people you shared those times with.
- Think of how special the people you love are. Notice in feeling love for others, you simultaneously feel loved yourself. You cannot give love without feeling love.
- Remind yourself that you too are loved.
- Send out well wishes or prayers for good fortune. Perhaps “May my friend be strong and find great happiness.”
- Picture this in your minds’ eye as you think/say it. If you prefer you may repeat a mantra. Do this for as long as you feel comfortable.
This type of meditation makes you feel more connected to the people around you, and more able to see the positive aspects of those who are close to you. Focusing on love also boosts gratitude and your ability to appreciate your natural environment and its non-human inhabitants as well. Here’s to love soulfriends xx.
Amber | www.intothesoul.com
In my search for everything helpful for you, I came across these words of wisdom from my dear friend Dr Phil! Here’s the perspective of someone from a psychological background on matters of love and relationship. I think these are great questions to ask yourself BEFORE you come to see me!! If they don’t pass the Dr Phil criteria… then maybe they’re not worth doing a reading on? It will definitely give you some additional perspective on the matters troubling your heart…. xx
Dr Phil on whether or not to let go of love?
Have you been dumped, betrayed or left so heartbroken that you didn’t ever want to love again? Are you still stuck on an ex and don’t know how to move on? And how do you know when it’s time to let go and look for love somewhere else?
- If you’re “the other woman” who’s waiting for a man to leave his lover, don’t waste your time. “If he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it to you,” Dr. Phil says. The man you want lacks integrity and can’t make a commitment.
- Are your standards too low? Dr. Phil asks a guest who’s waiting around for a man that’s let her down time and again: “What is it about you that causes you to settle for somebody that you know will cheat on you, know will lie to you, know will make a commitment and then break it? What is it about you that you believe about yourself that you’re willing to settle for that?” Recognize that you’re settling and that you deserve more. Set a higher standard for yourself.
- Does he really even make you happy? Be honest with yourself about the extent to which he’s really meeting your needs. Chances are you’re longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish he was. Dr. Phil reminds a guest: “There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you’re back with them for about 10 minutes and you go ‘Oh yeah! Now I remember why I hate you!'” Don’t kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past.
- Don’t wait around because you think he’s going to change. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so the chance that he’s going to ride in on his white horse and do the right thing is pretty slim. Dr. Phil explains, “To the extent that there’s some history, you don’t have to speculate, you just have to measure.”
- Don’t put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that’s holding you back from a better future. Dr. Phil tells his guest, “As long you are obsessed on this guy, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one.” Set some goals and start putting your life back together.
- Ask yourself: Are you hiding in the relationship so you don’t have to face the reality of being on your own? Don’t stay with someone because it’s comfortable and safe. It may seem more secure, but it’s not healthy for you and it certainly won’t help you get to a better place. Why would you want to settle and waste your life away just to avoid getting back in the game?
- Be clear with him. “You’ve got to say not just ‘no,’ but ‘hell no,'” Dr. Phil tells his guest. “‘Get out of my life. Stay away from me. Don’t call me.'” If you live together, it’s time to move out, or you may need to change your phone number. Dr. Phil reiterates: “Do what you have to do.” If the circumstances are more complicated or severe, you may need to get a lawyer in order to get child support or to hold him accountable for any other outstanding issues.
- Don’t hold all men responsible for the mistake your ex made. Why should he pay for the sins of someone else who may have wronged you?
- Learn to trust again — by trusting yourself. Dr. Phil tells a man who’s having a hard time letting women back into his life: “Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections.” Have enough faith in yourself to be able to put yourself on the line with someone, without any guarantee of what will happen next. If you’re playing the game with sweaty palms, it’s because you’re afraid of what you can or can’t do, or dealing with your own imperfections — it’s not about the other person.
- Know that you will get hurt if you’re in a relationship. There is no perfect person without flaws. Even a well-intended guy is going to hurt his partner. He’s going to hurt your feelings. He’s going to say things that you don’t want him to say. He’s going to do things you wish he wouldn’t do and not do things you wish he would do. A relationship is an imperfect union between two willing spirits who say, ”I’d rather be in a relationship and share my life, share my joys, share my fun, share my activities, share my life than do it alone.” If you want to be in a relationship, know that getting hurt comes with the territory. You just have to decide that you are durable enough, that you have enough confidence in yourself that you can handle it.
- Don’t invest more than you can afford to lose. While it’s important to move forward, you need to take things one step at a time. Don’t put so much out there that you’ll be emotionally bankrupt if things go south.
- Don’t beat yourself up. You got through your last experience, you’ve learned from it, and now it’s time to move forward. Dr. Phil tells his guest, “You’ll move on and be a champion in your next endeavor as you did in your past … Life is not a success-only journey. You are going to get beat up along the way.”
- Focus on yourself. All of us come into relationships with baggage, but you need to have closure on past experiences before you can start a new relationship with the odds in your favor. Dr. Phil tells a guest who’s had trouble with her father, her brother and two previous husbands: “Unless and until you’ve figured out everything you’ve got to figure out about that and you get closure, you will never come into a relationship with a fresh and clean heart and mind and expectancy and attitude.” You’re probably not ready to get into another relationship until you heal the wounds of your past.
- Listen to what he’s saying. If he’s telling you that you want different things out of life and there’s no way you can work as a couple, don’t turn his words around into what you want to hear. He’s being quite clear.
- Know the statistics. Dr. Phil tells a guest who’s waiting for her ex to come around: “There’s a 50/50 chance a marriage is going to work if both people are head over heels in love, passionate and willing to climb the mountain, swim the river and slay the dragon to get to each other. That’s with everybody crazy in love and running toward each other in that field that we see in the commercials. The problem you’ve got here is he’s running the other way in the field! So if it’s 50/50 when you’re running toward each other, what do you think it is when the other person is running out of the field and hiding in the woods?”
Amber | www.intothesoul.com